No matter how intimidating it can feel, the first meeting in person with an online match can be an enjoyable experience when you have the proper perspective. With some practice, it won’t feel like a big thing at all. It will feel normal and positive and, knowing that at some point you could meet the person you end up dating next, can be the hope that keeps going through the process all worthwhile.
Meet Sooner Than Later
Meeting sooner than later is a recommendation I stand by because it can help with a few things.
First, it will prevent you from wasting time on someone that isn’t for you. The character online that you are texting might make you excited to talk with them and give you hope, but until you meet with them in person, they are only a faceless figure that sparks your imagination and curiosity. If you are looking to create a meaningful romantic relationship, you’ll only get to really figure that out in person.
The second reason why you want to meet sooner than later with your online match is because a surprising amount of pressure can be built up the longer you put the initial meet-up off. It’s basic human nature to have the tendency to build something up in our minds to be something very far off from actuality. We might be so excited to be talking with someone online and so happy every time they message you throughout your day that you A: want this to last forever and will therefore be scared of ruining these feelings by meeting in person. Or, B: You might not know how to meet up with the person because you’ve talked endlessly and you don’t know how to start a conversation with a person you know, but at the same time don’t know at all.
It can all be quite intimidating, I know.
But, this is why you don’t let yourself get to that point where you feel like you could pee yourself because you are so nervous about meeting up with this stranger/not stranger.
If you feel that the conversation online shows positive signs and you enjoy chatting with them and feel like they are asking all the right questions, don’t delay. Ask them if they would like to meet up after work for tea or a beer or whatever at some point during the week. If they feel a similar interest in you and have similar goals, then they will definitely find a time within the week to meet up for an hour or less to have a quick drink and chat. You could take turns talking about each other’s week and what you’ll be doing on the weekend and learn more about their passions and interests.
Where to Meet Up
My recommendation is to find a place in public about halfway between where the two of you will be coming from. I would suggest having this be a place that would be pretty easy to leave. I’m not saying that to me negatively either. If you go to a place like a coffee shop, brewery, bar, ice cream shop, or whatever, it can be really easy to pay the tab and head out when you want. This is good, not because you are expecting the worse, but because it can give you some sense of peace to know that you don’t have to be trapped in an uncomfortable situation if it were to come to that. You have your way out.
This is why I wouldn’t choose a park or a festival for my very first meet-up. I’m not saying these are bad ideas at all. I’m just saying, when it’s you’re very first time meeting in person, you just don’t know exactly who you will meet. And, if you are on a mile-long hike in the woods and you feel uncomfortable, you might find yourself wishing you had just stuck to going to the bubble tea place or the bar instead of being stuck in the woods.
How to Compose Yourself
It might sound silly, but some people might need to be reminded about this so that they don’t get too caught up in their heads as they go about meeting in person the individual in which they’ve been chatting online with.
Just act normal. I know that’s easier said than done sometimes! Just remember that this isn’t the time to show your crazy side. This is just to get a very basic read on whether you like being in their presence and if they like being in yours. No need to exchange dirty secrets, saliva, or other weird things.
A good thing to do is to ask questions you want to know, but don’t overstep. Take an interest in what they do, but don’t push it if they seem too reserved about something. Deep conversation can be great, but sometimes it can be a little off-putting if someone doesn’t know you very well. So, just remember to talk to your online interest like a normal human being and treat them as such as well. Don’t try to be anything you aren’t and that way you can know for sure when something feels natural and good.
How Do You Feel About Them?
Are they asking questions and engaging in the conversation? Or, are they just waiting silently to be asked another question like one would at an interview? See how interested they actually are in you. This doesn’t mean they need to ask you everything they can think of, but are they dialed into the conversation and in the moment?
Warning Signs
If they bring up their ex and keep talking about them, stay cautious. Bringing up the ex really doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. In fact, it can be pretty normal to talk about past relationships. However, I advise against this on the first time meeting in person because mostly this really shouldn’t even be considered a date. This is just a quick check to see if the character you communicate with online is someone you’d like to continue to communicate with in person.
Don’t Act Desperate So you Don’t Sound Crazy
Don’t worry about trying to set up a second date with them at the end of the meet-up if you really like them. Instead, tell them you are really happy you got to meet them in person and it means a lot to you that they took time out of their schedule to have a coffee or a beer or what have you. Then, wish them a great rest of their day and head your separate ways.
Once you get home or return from your meet-up, and you really hope to see them again, message them and say again how you thought it was so great to meet up with them and talk with them in person and that you thought they were really cute or pretty or whatever. Then, ask them if they would be interested in meeting up again soon. If they say yes and you receive a response that makes you smile, then great, the feelings are mutual!
If you don’t want to meet them in person again, this is where it gets tricky. You want to be honest with your intention by nicely telling them that you truly had a great time and are really happy that you got to meet them. Then, you will want to say that as much as you enjoyed the conversation you feel pulled in another direction to absolutely no fault of their own. Then, you can even say that although you wouldn’t like to pursue a potential romantic relationship with them, you’d be happy to meet up for coffee or a beer again in the future. This last part is optional depending on how you honestly feel.
If they have a good amount of emotional intelligence they will understand what you said. They might still be disappointed if they felt differently about the situation, but at least you are clear with saying what you don’t want.
I think most people would probably not even try to meet up again if you tell them you would only do so platonically because you aren’t interested in them romantically. Then again, if they also take you seriously and would like to still platonically meet up for another coffee or beer at some point, although you can refuse, why not just go? Some of the best of friends are made at the most unlikely and surprising times. You could just end up with the buddy you didn’t know you wanted.
This can especially be a thing in the Lesbian world. Many lesbians who are initially looking for someone to date have ended up finding a good friend instead. This is because even though the romantic desire didn’t blossom there, they still find each other fun to talk to and have someone to share a common interest with. For my girlfriend Brooke, she ended up making a friend this way who shared an interest in bouldering and rock climbing and they are still friends to this day.
Don’t Psyche Yourself Out
This is just a meet-up. Don’t call it a date. Don’t even call it anything other than what it is: two people meeting up for an informal chat. If there is something more to be explored there, then great. Set up another time to have a second meet-up. Again, this doesn’t require it to be labeled as a date. If there was nothing there to explore, then that’s perfectly fine too. This is why I think it is best to meet up with your online match much sooner than later. A week of talking is more than plenty. You could even meet up on the day of matching online, seriously.
But my point is that the sooner you meet up with the person, the less you have invested in someone that isn’t for you, and this means a much smaller amount of time needed to get over the disappointment of not having found a match that can blossom into something real. Move on to the next match and the next conversation and then meet up again. This will likely become easier and easier for you as you narrow in on what you really want in your life and in a partner. All the trial and error will be worth it in the end when you find the match you’ve been praying for.